My friend Jay's little 7-month old niece passed away this morning. She was born with half a heart and has undergone several surgeries, struggling to survive. The doctors basically gave up hope and tried one last surgery that gave her a 10% chance of living. Today, that little baby girl is with Jesus.

I was thinking about her the other day and how hard it must be for the family. Then I started thinking about how God is in control of it, and He has a purpose for it... and, not to be flippant, but those are sort of the "same old, same old" phrases that Christians use for tough situations, whether they really mean them or not, and as true as they are. I was trying to make something real and plausible out of these thoughts and feelings of sadness for baby Gracie's family, when I started thinking about what the concept "God has a purpose for everything" meant in relationship to the loss of Gracie. I truly believe that God has a purpose for everything, and most especially, for every person. There must have been a purpose for the life of this little baby girl, then, since God does not do things for no reason and without thought. In the seven months of this precious baby's life, she has seen nothing except hospital rooms. Her family has spent the majority of their time there, and it has been an enormously hard time for them. So what could God do with a little tiny baby who can't talk or impact (in the ways we usually think of) others? I realized that she probably had a greater impact on a larger group of people than most people ever get to have. She never left the hospital, she couldn't talk to anyone, but her life touched a HUGE circle of people. All the Christians that were praying for her and her family, whether they knew them personally or not, were affected by her.

I realized that just because God only allowed her seven months on this earth, that doesn't mean that there was no real, substantial purpose for her being here and living the hard life that she lived. I don't know what God's purpose or plan was in allowing all these things to take place, but I am confident that He knows EXACTLY why He had her here when He did. I don't know if it was for her parents, the rest of their family, the church family, the doctors and nurses at the hospital, or if it was for something completely different. All I know is that God had a purpose for her little life, and whatever that purpose was, it was accomplished, by God through Gracie, and so God took her home to spend eternity with Jesus.

She was a little girl who led a big life, and I know her family misses her dearly. My heart goes out to them, and I am keeping them in my prayers.

So it's been a while since I've written anything (if anyone even still looks on here).

My life went from doing nothing all day and out of necessity spending money I didn't have to working two jobs, seven days a week, and still needfully spending money I don't yet have, but will in 2 weeks when I get my paycheck(s). I have bills and loans and a credit card, all of which zap me of all my almost-financially-stable-ness. But it's okay. I'm living adult life now, so I have to bravely face up to bills and money. Both of which I dislike.

It seems as though I haven't seen anyone other than my parents and bosses for a really long time. I hate it, but at the same time, I have to admit that I have almost purposefully stayed away. I apologize to everyone for that. It has nothing to do with anyone else, only this funky state I find myself in along with the personal struggles I now face. Struggles which, before, I would have instantly given a dissertation on to any willful listening ear. But for some reason I cannot (or maybe can and do not want to) explain, I feel as though I have no other option but to keep them to myself, and that if I did expose them, I'd simply die or shrivel up or disintegrate. It's silly to feel so desperate, I admit, but it's something I'm trying to work through.

I never imagined life to be as it is right this moment. None of it is bad, don't mistake me. Just very, very.... different, in every sense of the word. I long for the life I used to live in the past, yet abhor it at the same time. I love my life now, yet long for change. I excitedly anticipate the future, and yet am terrified and repulsed by it in one, quick flutter of my heart. Things are so simple but so confusing at the same time, and I wouldn't expect anyone to fully understand what I'm writing.

I confess, I have lost some of the joy and lightness that I have had, and I pray it will pass soon. I'm not particularly fond of this funk I'm in. So I think and pray and long for ways to work through it. I know it is merely a phase of life, both spiritual and otherwise. I desperately need the Lord right now, but am finding it so terribly hard to stay steady and constant in my walk with Him. So I just keep praying and pleading. Praying and pleading.

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear
Is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' 'bout the rain
And mullin' over things
That won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance
To tell him that You love him

But here I go again
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so
You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe
He will never die
But how then will he know
What he has never heard?
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear
Is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' 'bout the rain
And mullin' over things
That won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance
To tell him that You love him

But here I go again
Here I go, here I go

This might be my last chance
To tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance
To tell him that You love him

You love him, You love him
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard?

- Casting Crowns, Here I Go

There are two things in this world I will never understand:






Everything is so WEEEIIRD.